This week scares me. On Thursday I am having surgery to try to repair my spinal cord stimulator.
At the moment, it's the only thing to provide any relief from the pain radiating from my back and down my legs. Problem is that when I fractured my back last year, we think I damaged the SCS leads. Which means that now whenever I turn it on, I have intense pain through my back. It's become a juggling game - I turn the unit on for long enough to take the edge off the leg pain, or until the pain in my back starts to arc up, whichever happens first. It's usually the back pain, so it's not really a viable situation.
My last SCS experience was a nightmare. I don't know if there was not enough local anaesthetic used, or not given time to work, but I felt everything - every cut, every tug on the scar tissue, on the leads. It was excruciatingly painful, and I had nightmares for months. The thought of going back again terrifies me.
I'm also to have another ketamine infusion. My last one of those wasn't exactly a holiday either... it was so horrendous I ended up leaving hospital early and making a formal complaint against two of the nursing staff.
This is my last real hope at pain relief, and if it doesn't work I'm not sure what to do if it doesn't work. Part of me is scared, part of me just doesn't care any more. I know how dangerous that indifference is, but I don't know what to do about it.
At the moment, it's the only thing to provide any relief from the pain radiating from my back and down my legs. Problem is that when I fractured my back last year, we think I damaged the SCS leads. Which means that now whenever I turn it on, I have intense pain through my back. It's become a juggling game - I turn the unit on for long enough to take the edge off the leg pain, or until the pain in my back starts to arc up, whichever happens first. It's usually the back pain, so it's not really a viable situation.
My last SCS experience was a nightmare. I don't know if there was not enough local anaesthetic used, or not given time to work, but I felt everything - every cut, every tug on the scar tissue, on the leads. It was excruciatingly painful, and I had nightmares for months. The thought of going back again terrifies me.
I'm also to have another ketamine infusion. My last one of those wasn't exactly a holiday either... it was so horrendous I ended up leaving hospital early and making a formal complaint against two of the nursing staff.
This is my last real hope at pain relief, and if it doesn't work I'm not sure what to do if it doesn't work. Part of me is scared, part of me just doesn't care any more. I know how dangerous that indifference is, but I don't know what to do about it.